It's All About You

As children we grow up thinking the every day activities of our family are normal. Normal is a relative word, it can mean so many different things to people. As we become adults, leave home, and start own families I believe the things from our past that we once thought were "normal" become more apparent and we begin to question events of our past.

It is only recently, within the last year, that I have come to understand more the environment in which I grew up. As a result I have also become more perceptive of people in my life and those I meet that also reflect the traits of a narcissist. Also known as emotional vampires, they drain, manipulate, and take advantage of your love in an effort to build their unhealthy ego and make themselves look good. They never admit they are wrong and are rarely self-reflective of their own faults. Growing up in this type of environment is unhealthy and emotionally destructive. As children and adults of narcissists, we live to make them happy and our own self worth is built and torn apart based on their happiness.

I came in contact with one such person yesterday. She has no comprehension of the effect of both her original words and those that followed. She insulted all but three people that belong to our group and she can not understand why anyone would have a negative reaction to her words. I don't normally get upset about stuff like this and I let it go, but I find myself very upset and unsure of how to move forward. I know one reason is because the moderator of the group is a close friend. I feel she is being drawn into the middle of this and I never meant to contribute to any of this drama, but simply state my feelings and where I was coming from. Another issue is that this individual acts as if she owns our group and those that haven't contributed as much have betrayed her. It's not her group! It's my friend's group to moderate. This individual needs to get over herself and understand that this is not about her, it's about the future of the group.

So I will make every effort to let this go today. I refuse to let someone, who I barely know, have such an effect on me. Such is life and I choose to move forward.

Sarah McLachlan says it best...

Elsewhere

I love the time
and inbetween
the calm inside me in the space
where I can breathe


I believe there is a distance
I have wandered to touch upon the years of
reaching out
and reaching in
holding out
holding in.

I believe
this is heaven
to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be
left here to linger
in silence
if I
choose to
would you
try to
understand.

I know this love
is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and
hold me near..

I believe..

I believe
this is heaven
to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be
left here to linger
in silence
if I
choose to
would you
try to
understand.

Oh the quiet child
awaits the day
when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation.

Mother
can't you see I've got to
live my life the way I feel is
right for me
might not be right for you but it's
right for me..

I believe...

I believe
this is heaven
to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be
left here to linger
in silence
if I
choose to
would you
try to
understand it.

I would
like to
linger
here in
silence
if I
choose to
would you
try to
understand...

The Life of a Working Soccer Mom

Recently a new show premiered on TLC (The Learning Channel). The show is called The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom. I understand the idea...a stay at home mom is given the opportunity to spend a week perform the duties of a what they were trained to once do. Some moms have spent the week as a chef or police officer. After the week the moms are then given the opportunity to go back into the work force or continue to be a stay at home parent. One thing about the show that puzzles me is that they tell their husband and children that they are spending a week at a spa, they don't tell them they are training/working at doing what they once loved. Why lie to your family? What family wouldn't want someone so special in their life to take part in such a wonderful opportunity?

Another thing that has surprised me about the show is the negative response to it since the premier. Stay at home moms are very angry that some moms on the show are choosing to enter the work force again. They also have very strong feelings toward working moms. One woman on the message board went as far to say "If you want a full time career invest in birth control". Now they are not all like that on the message board, but I will just say that the board has been quite busy with activity and opinions of both stay home and working mothers.

Normally I would think twice about what all of these ladies are expressing. I can let remarks such as these roll off me without a second glance and go on with my life. Lately though some of the comments have stayed in the back of my mind. I've been having "mommy guilt". Things at work lately have been extremely busy with back to back meetings each day, new projects being thrown at me, and my regular daily work. I get home between 5-6pm each night and by the time I make dinner and clean up, it's around 7:30-8pm. That gives me only an hour or little more with the little man.

I think the mommy guilt hits me at night when I am tired, still preoccupied with work, and I feel that my little man is not getting the best of me. I'm not giving him 100% for the little over an hour I get to spend with him. Last night the guilt hit especially hard when after I put him to bed I heard him crying "mama, mama, mama" over and over again. It ripped my heart out, but I was strong and soon he was quiet and had fallen asleep for the night.

I have extremely grateful that my husband is a stay at home dad and can be with the little man during the day. It certainly makes leaving for work a little easier each morning and I can call home at any time and talk to him. My husband says he asks for me during the day and he say "mama home soon" and watch for me out the window. I see the time my husband spends with the little man throughout the day and how he thrives and learns so many new things and I know we are doing the right thing. I just wish other mothers wouldn't judge me for choosing a professional career and doing what is right for our family.