Everyone has all the answers...

You know the old proverb, "You won't know me, or understand my blues; until you have walked awhile in my shoes." It's funny how people seem to forget it and act as if they have all the answers when you are going through something personally and are just looking for a shoulder to lean on or someone to listen.


Before I had my son, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I developed insulin intolerance because of the PCOS and when I became pregnant I developed gestational diabetes at 16 weeks. It was not a total surprise because of my PCOS, but by the end of my pregnancy I was taking three insulin shots a day, checking my blood glucose levels 3-4 times a day, and I treated my body like a temple with everything I ate. My son was born two weeks early because of the gestational diabetes, but all of work paid off because he was a healthy (and small) 6 lbs, 11 oz.

After his birth I seemed to bouce back from having gestational diabetes. My levels returned to normal and I took Metformin for the PCOS which also helped manage the insulin intolerance. In the last year I noticed that I was feeling exceptionally thirsty and showing some definite signs of diabetes. I visited my primary care doctor and sure enough I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I was immediately put on insulin, given a new glucometer, and told to watch what I ate. Apparently I didn't watch carefully enough nor did I check my levels as often as I should have.

Fast forward to now. I recently went to see a specialist for reasons other than my diabetes. They naturally did some blood work and call me the next day with the results. My A1C level, the level that measure your blood glucose levels, came back high. My doctor would like it to be 7 or under and my specialist would like it to be 6 or under, my level was 9.3. Definitely not good. In the last few weeks I have doubled my insulin intake and started a new medication, Byetta, that I inject two times a day. I have also started counting carbs again and I've become the sugar-free queen.

I was mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I was frustrated that I would have to wait 3-6 months to go back to see my specialist. I was ready to go down that path again and putting it off upset me since there were already so many unknowns. The things is that I was allowed to feel all of this, but no one else seemed to think so. More than once I would hear, "I just don't understand why this is so difficult" or "You should be happy you found out all of this now". I know that, I know that diabetics go on to live "normal" lives, but I am still allowed to feel frustrated. Most importantly, I felt alone because I felt like no one truly understood what I was feeling and the changes that needed to be made. It's hard and a lot of work.

Like I said at the beginning...unless you've walked in my shoes, don't sit in judgement or tell me how to feel. Until any of you become an insulin dependent diabetic, please don't sit and act as if you have all the anwers or know what I'm going through. You don't. Let me move through the cycle of emotions and like always, I will be just fine in time.

3 Going on 30

My little man turned three years old last Thursday! I just can not believe that three years have gone by so fast. It just doesn't seem possible.

We celebrated his birthday 4th of July weekend while we were visiting my husband's family in Saranac Lake. The little man had an absolute ball eating cake and ice cream, opening presents, and the evening was topped off with a great display of fireworks which he thoroughly enjoyed.

Now my little man is very entertaining and extremely humerous. He says the funniest things when you are least expecting it, but at times you swear you aren't talking to a three year old, but a child much older. This past Friday we received a sales booklet from The Children's Place in the mail. He was very into looking at the pictures and pointing out the other children in the book. After he had sat down and looked through the book, very thoroughly I might add, he set the book down, looked right at me, and said this:

Little Man: Mommy, I need new clothes. I would like some new clothes for preschool and I would also like a camera. My own camera so I can take pictures of me with other people and my friends.

Me: So you would like some new clothes AND a camera of your own?

Little Man: Yes!

Me: Well we will see what we can do about that.

Little Man: Thank you, Mommy!

As he walked away, I sat there in wonder and amusement. I had flashbacks of the last three years and took great pride in how this little boy had turned out thus far. Then I realized that he had actually become a little man!

It's All About You

As children we grow up thinking the every day activities of our family are normal. Normal is a relative word, it can mean so many different things to people. As we become adults, leave home, and start own families I believe the things from our past that we once thought were "normal" become more apparent and we begin to question events of our past.

It is only recently, within the last year, that I have come to understand more the environment in which I grew up. As a result I have also become more perceptive of people in my life and those I meet that also reflect the traits of a narcissist. Also known as emotional vampires, they drain, manipulate, and take advantage of your love in an effort to build their unhealthy ego and make themselves look good. They never admit they are wrong and are rarely self-reflective of their own faults. Growing up in this type of environment is unhealthy and emotionally destructive. As children and adults of narcissists, we live to make them happy and our own self worth is built and torn apart based on their happiness.

I came in contact with one such person yesterday. She has no comprehension of the effect of both her original words and those that followed. She insulted all but three people that belong to our group and she can not understand why anyone would have a negative reaction to her words. I don't normally get upset about stuff like this and I let it go, but I find myself very upset and unsure of how to move forward. I know one reason is because the moderator of the group is a close friend. I feel she is being drawn into the middle of this and I never meant to contribute to any of this drama, but simply state my feelings and where I was coming from. Another issue is that this individual acts as if she owns our group and those that haven't contributed as much have betrayed her. It's not her group! It's my friend's group to moderate. This individual needs to get over herself and understand that this is not about her, it's about the future of the group.

So I will make every effort to let this go today. I refuse to let someone, who I barely know, have such an effect on me. Such is life and I choose to move forward.

Sarah McLachlan says it best...

Elsewhere

I love the time
and inbetween
the calm inside me in the space
where I can breathe


I believe there is a distance
I have wandered to touch upon the years of
reaching out
and reaching in
holding out
holding in.

I believe
this is heaven
to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be
left here to linger
in silence
if I
choose to
would you
try to
understand.

I know this love
is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and
hold me near..

I believe..

I believe
this is heaven
to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be
left here to linger
in silence
if I
choose to
would you
try to
understand.

Oh the quiet child
awaits the day
when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation.

Mother
can't you see I've got to
live my life the way I feel is
right for me
might not be right for you but it's
right for me..

I believe...

I believe
this is heaven
to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be
left here to linger
in silence
if I
choose to
would you
try to
understand it.

I would
like to
linger
here in
silence
if I
choose to
would you
try to
understand...

The Life of a Working Soccer Mom

Recently a new show premiered on TLC (The Learning Channel). The show is called The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom. I understand the idea...a stay at home mom is given the opportunity to spend a week perform the duties of a what they were trained to once do. Some moms have spent the week as a chef or police officer. After the week the moms are then given the opportunity to go back into the work force or continue to be a stay at home parent. One thing about the show that puzzles me is that they tell their husband and children that they are spending a week at a spa, they don't tell them they are training/working at doing what they once loved. Why lie to your family? What family wouldn't want someone so special in their life to take part in such a wonderful opportunity?

Another thing that has surprised me about the show is the negative response to it since the premier. Stay at home moms are very angry that some moms on the show are choosing to enter the work force again. They also have very strong feelings toward working moms. One woman on the message board went as far to say "If you want a full time career invest in birth control". Now they are not all like that on the message board, but I will just say that the board has been quite busy with activity and opinions of both stay home and working mothers.

Normally I would think twice about what all of these ladies are expressing. I can let remarks such as these roll off me without a second glance and go on with my life. Lately though some of the comments have stayed in the back of my mind. I've been having "mommy guilt". Things at work lately have been extremely busy with back to back meetings each day, new projects being thrown at me, and my regular daily work. I get home between 5-6pm each night and by the time I make dinner and clean up, it's around 7:30-8pm. That gives me only an hour or little more with the little man.

I think the mommy guilt hits me at night when I am tired, still preoccupied with work, and I feel that my little man is not getting the best of me. I'm not giving him 100% for the little over an hour I get to spend with him. Last night the guilt hit especially hard when after I put him to bed I heard him crying "mama, mama, mama" over and over again. It ripped my heart out, but I was strong and soon he was quiet and had fallen asleep for the night.

I have extremely grateful that my husband is a stay at home dad and can be with the little man during the day. It certainly makes leaving for work a little easier each morning and I can call home at any time and talk to him. My husband says he asks for me during the day and he say "mama home soon" and watch for me out the window. I see the time my husband spends with the little man throughout the day and how he thrives and learns so many new things and I know we are doing the right thing. I just wish other mothers wouldn't judge me for choosing a professional career and doing what is right for our family.

To Albany I Go!

I am off to spend two days in Albany. I have to travel there for work about every two months. It is a usually a whirlwind trip full of meetings and dinners with other SUNY collegues. It is usually a good time. I enjoy meeting new people and seeing familiar faces each time. I always learn new things and it gives me boss and I lots to talk about on the way back home to Rochester.

The picture above is of the SUNY System Administration. This building will be where I will spend the next two days with the exception of a small break Thursday night where I will find my usual seat at the hotel bar with Bob the Bartender and my SUNY friends from other campuses!

For whatever reason I am not completely looking forward to the trip this time. I think a lot of it has to do with the weather and time of year. The weather in western New York has been harsh these last few weeks with snow, severe wind, and freezing rain. I fear running into this weather on the road and getting stuck somewhere unfamiliar when I rather be home with my little man and Scott. I know another reason is that my little guy is still getting over being sick and Scott is trying to get through what the little man had. I know they will both be fine without me, but it gives me piece of mind of when I can be there with them.

But like I said...each trip is a whirlwind of activities and I will be home before I know it!

Big Boy Bed

A few weeks ago we transitioned the little man from his crib to a full size bed. His crib converted to a full size bed so we bought the matching rails and a new mattress set and he was good to go! My husband and I went back and forth about whether to put him in a toddler bed and then move him to the full size bed, but in the end we went with the bigger bed (which I had much anxiety about) and bought some safetly bed rails for each side. Looking back it was definitely right decision.



Now the last few weeks haven't been without some frustration and a few tears. The little man has been very good about going to bed with my husband and I only having to put him back in bed once or twice. Naptime is another story. At first he was really enjoying his new found freedom and we would find him out of bed doing all kinds of things...reading, raiding his dresser drawers and throwing his clothes everywhere, or standing in the corner looking guilty. We would promptly put him back in bed over and over again. Do you ever watch Supernanny? Well, if not, she has a tactic of putting the child back in bed each time they get out and after a few days the child begins to stay in bed and bed/naptime will smooth out. It works! It can be frustrating and try your patience, but it is worth it in the end.

I am happy to report that the little man is now napping without problems and everyone can finally catch up on their sleep!

Bad Hair Day!

This pictures just makes me laugh! The little man has quite the head of hair and in the morning and after naps it has become a challenge to tame his crazy head of hair.



Now you understand where I am coming from!

It's A New Year

Yes...I know it has been a while since my last post. It has been an extremely busy few months, but isn't that what I always say? Oh well! The holiday season was a blur! Between baking, shopping, wrapping present, decorating, and the holiday travel...it's a minor miracle that I made it through without harming myself or anyone else in my path!

Overall it was a very nice Christmas. We spent December 23rd with my family and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day home in our new house! It was wonderful to have two peaceful days together. I have included some pictures of our living room decorated for Christmas.



Next on the holiday agenda...traveling to see Scott's family in the great white north. We had a nice time and overall it was relaxing. The drive up and back home was memorable to say the least with bad weather that we didn't see on the weather map before we left. But that is in the past and we will move on! While we were in the North Country we had a very nice visit with Scott's brother and his family and Scott's parents. The little man loves to play with his cousin Breanna who is 11 and she watches over him like a little mother. We spent one day at the Wild Center and the little man had a ball! His Boppas and Beepa bought him a stuffed otter to take home with him and he has affectionately named the otter Squeaker. Very cute! We also spent one day playing outside in the snow which was fun for the whole family.



I was very fortunate to be off for two weeks during the holidays and I didn't go back to work until January 7. It was blissful! Brockport closes down for two weeks in hopes of giving their employees time to enjoy the holidays, rest, and come back after the New Year ready for new challenges. Yet another reason I love my job! So Happy New Year to you and may 2008 bring many happy memories that you will carry with you forever!